My Dog’s Letter to God

PuppyDear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE is named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be that hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the '"Chrysler Beagle"?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest, and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

I will remember these things, to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, skunks, rats, etc., just because I like the smell.

3. The sofa is not a face towel.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

6. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

7. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

9. I will not throw up in the car.

10. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

11. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, God, just one more thing. When I get to Heaven, can I have my testicles back?